First off let me say it pains me to write this blog, but I feel I need the therapy and to get it off my chest.
I met my husband six years ago via his sister, a former employee. When telling me about him she said he had two children-boy n girl, Divorced, etc., then a few days later she told me about his other daughter, but it was such a painful loss they don't usually talk about her. She is not deceased she was just taken by her mother, married another and for 8 years claimed he was their daughters father.
Within a couple months of dating, his daughter coincidentally contacts him and says she wants to be in his life. She is was 14. This was great, but it seems we will find out through experience, that her in n out of his life, tantrums, jealousy and blame is primarily at the hands of her mother. Apparently after my husbands divorce he n his daughter's mother started seeing each other, only she was still married. Stringing him along that she too was getting a divorce. So it was really no surprise when she threw her own tantrum: when we started dating, when we moved in together, and when we got married. She constantly called him asking him to take her back; she was divorcing her husband. One week before our wedding (something we kept quiet to her) she called to tell him she was divided. It was in fact true, but she was too late. After 3 months she went back to her ex-husband; exhausted that he was staying with me. Many of those times she would throw in their daughter, which is why we believe she feels she is always fighting for his love.
Over the past six years, his daughter has only contacted him when she wants something, usually material or money, but not to share in his/our life. (she did attend our wedding and the only thing she focused on was my ring.) He reaches out to her and depending on her time, she will accept, but most if the time she is with her friends. But when she asks for money and he refuses her she goes into a tantrum blaming him, saying he doesn't love her, that her step-father has been more of a Dad, etc. placing blame that he buys me everything, it's not fair that he spends his money on me. Asking why he chooses me over her. Etc., etc., etc.
It makes me sad that she feels the need to throw these tantrums. That the only way she feels justified, for whatever reason, is to make her Dad feel shame. It has quite the opposite effect actually. It infuriates him, but he does not give in to her. Instead he defends me saying "she is my wife. If I want to do for her, I can". Now don't start thinking well he could spoil her too, but when he has given her his time, or things, she only wants more and appears to mis-interpret his love. It's as if she is comparing me to her, as if she keeps score. He got me this, he got her that. . . This anger she throws at him, using me, seems to happen every six months.
He is willing to help her, but he wants her to have some goals and a life plan. It's really tearing him apart and I'm afraid it might divide us. I send up my prayers every time asking that their relationship be mended.
I tell him many times that I see such potential in her. She was a great softball player and could have had a full scholarship, but chose to be a walk on instead and work part time. She only finished one semester and decided to work full time. Within 1 month of my husband paying off her sweet 16 birthday car, her then boyfriend totaled it; they failed to put insurance on it. Another thing her mother blames us for. In May 2011, we nearly lost her in the Joplin tornado, but that didn't tear her down. In fact, it seemed to make her stronger than ever. She moved away from her hometown to live with an aunt. She appeared to be growing up, taking responsibility, but then lost her job because of attendance. As a favor I contacted 3 former employers to help her get job interviews. She decided to move back home to love with her family... She is 19 going on 20 works in a coffeehouse and lives with her new boyfriend. She has no plans to return to school or to pursue a career, yet she wants her Dad to pay for a brand New car, her cell phone, and occasionally rent.
If I were to keep score this would be my list: everything he has given her in the past six years has been out of love. What he has given me over the past six years has also been out of love. It seems we're even.
It breaks my heart to see them lose each other this way. It breaks my heart that she can't see or feel his love because of jealousy. As mentioned earlier, I think it's fueled by her mother. . .
I will continue to keep the faith, pray and support my husband. I will continue to pray for her to find what makes her happy.
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